


...Is This a Phase I'm Going Through?!

by Wirrrn



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Bad Jokes, Humour, Larry actually getting Screen Time, M/M, Xander being Adorkable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-19 09:06:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2382746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wirrrn/pseuds/Wirrrn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Going through a BUFFY rewatch. Am delighted by Xander and Larry's chemistry in their scenes together- Xander's sexual flustering is hilarious, and Larry, interestingly, seems to be the only person Xander talks to who actually *Listens* to what Xander is saying. This fic is the result.</p>
            </blockquote>





	...Is This a Phase I'm Going Through?!

  
                                                                          **IS THIS A PHASE I'M GOING THROUGH?**  
  
                                                                                                      by  
                                                                                                   Wirrrn

  
  
  
"Xander."  
  
"-Wha- _aaaugh_!"   
  
The aforementioned young man jerked guiltily and would have probably jumped the proverbial twenty feet in the air, if he hadn't been rummaging inside his locker at the time. "-Ooooh look, swirly colours! Crap, they come packaged with searing head pain..."  
  
"Xander!"  
  
"-No you can't have any, Percy, they're my dirty magazines; well, okay,technically they're Oz and Devon's but they told me they used up all the positions and for me to get rid of them so I figure they're not going to want them back hey you don't sound much like Percy and _OH MY GOD LOCKER I_ _NSPECTION_! Did I say dirty magazines Principal Snyder? I meant...er... Biology Textbooks... Yessiree, good ol' study-buddy Xander with his anatomically accurate books of the male human physique with which I am totally studying and not doing anything remotely sexual.Sex? What's that?! I often study with my head in my locker helps me think like this see, it cuts out annoying distractions like... all available light sources; Lucky I've been studying so hard I know these books by feel _hahahaha_! uh-oh one fell on the floor didn't it? I know you're thinking that blond guy appears to be playing naked leapfrog with the other one well that reminds me I really must go to the gymnasium I have an overdue medicine ball I have to return to the school nurse right now so I hate to run along but-"

"...Xander. Breathe, guy."  
  
Xander did as instructed and the skin of his face gratefully cut down on the amount of blue it was using. Hanging around Angel and watching that ripped vampire chest so often made him sometimes forget that lungs were good for other purposes than keeping the pectorals propped up.  
  
Xander turned, ducking his head down to the appropriate level of abasement and eye-level Snyder preferred.  
  
-And found himself staring at an extreme closeup of an " **I'm not Gay But my Boyfriend Is** " T-Shirt.  
  
Which meant that either Principal Snyder had finally found better things to stick up his butt than the rod he usually kept there, or he'd been mistaken and the person indirectly responsible for the large welt on his head and the Seventies Night disco of spectrums flashing inside it was-  
  
"-Hey, Larry."  
  
"Xander. You okay dude? that was a pretty nasty skull-whammy you gave yourself."  
  
Xander shook his head, ignoring the resultant rattling noises. "-Nah, I'm fine thanks Larr'; I've been hit on the head so many times now I've built up an immunity."  
  
A voice from behind him. "Xander? I'm over here. You're talking to a drinking fountain."  
  
"-Oh. I was just going to ask you why you were drooling so much."  
  
Larry grinned. "Speaking of that, dude..."  
  
Xander shakes his head. "Look Larr', you're a sweet guy and all, and totally hot if you go for the big, musclebound jock type with the huge enfolding arms, deep chest and..." Xander blinked. "...Sorry, where was I? Oh. Anyway, I appreciate you not wailing on me any more, really I do, but I have a hard time believing you'd so quickly move on from wanting to beat my ass to wanting to-"  
  
"... _Fuck me_!"  
  
"-Well, I was going to say 'make love to', but if the Calvins fit, wear 'em I guess; Romance really is dea-"  
  
Xander's wellspring of whimsy was cut off mid-babble as the jockier man slipped a hand over his mouth and dragged him over to the wall of lockers, shoved Xander inside his- and then jumped into it behind him. He removed his hand from Xander's face, taking a moment to savour the resultant coating of Xander slobber  
  
(C'mon, you'd do the same thing if you got the guy's bodily fluids splashed on you!)  
  
before peering out the door through the ventilation slats.  
  
Xander's face, now setting into a scarily similar expression to ticked-off-Willow's, joins Larry in the tiny square of stripey fluorescence that illuminated their cramped quarters with the epileptically flickering dental aquarium light Faculties worldwide seemed to think was beneficial to the student body.   
  
"-Man, you have _got_ to work on your seduction technique. If I wanted someone who trapped me in tiny boxes and screwed with my head, I'd have stayed with the She-Mantis."  
  
Larry shushed him. "Dude, you don't get it. Snyder was coming down the hall. What was I supposed to do, leave you at his mercy? I like you too much to do that. The guy probably eats live pigs for breakfast."  
  
"-Hey, who hasn... I mean, you risked Detention under the nearest bridge with that little troll? For me? Thanks, man." Xander moved to hug the older boy, wincing as he banged his knee on the battle-axe Angel had given him in gratitude.  
  
(Xander had distracted the dire attentions of a Bad Hair Day Elemental away from the vampire.)  
  
"-Although you couldn't have picked a more cramped hide-out if you tried. We're in a school and I have it on good authority that the Trig test next period has triggered a sudden outbreak of Phantom Pregnancy with overtones of Ebola Virus the likes of which the School Nurse has never seen before. There are empty classrooms all over."  
  
Larry suddenly jerked back from the locker vent, grabbing Xander's hand and pulling him back into the shadows too. Not letting go of the other boy's hand, the jock stage whispered in his ear. "Stow it guy, Snyder's right outside." 

Xander sneaked a peek out of the lowest grill vent, and could just make out the shiny pink hemisphere of the Principal's head gleaming in the hallway light like an evil version of the Milennium Dome. "-What's he doing?"  
  
Larry stood on tiptoe. "Dude, he's going through somethi...hey, is your gym bag pink and green with a picture of the PowerPuff Girls on it?"

"-It was a gift from Willow, I swear..."

"No dude, I mean I think Snyder's going through it. He must be looking for contraband."  
  
Xander looked askance. "-Is he nuts? What self respecting drug or arms runner would use a Bubbles Gym Bag? Who does he think I'm a courier for, The Saddle Club?!" Suddenly Xander went very pale. "-Wait, Snyder's pawing around in my gym-bag? Man, I keep my sports cups and my speedos in there! God, Larry, there's not enough bleach in the whole world!"  
  
Larry is about to offer his commiserations over Xander's defiled clothing  
  
(though being less verbose than his dark-haired friend, he was going to put it more along the lines of "Dude; Bummer")  
  
when the surprised jock suddenly had something long and hard thrust into his hands. He was about to offer up a prayer of thanks to whichever deity was responsible  
  
(Note for theologists: Saint Runcible the Apothecary, Patron Saint of Homoerotic Locker Stuffings)  
  
when he realized that the object was far *too* long and rigid to even be attached to Jason Priestley.  
  
"Xander, why are you giving me a baseball bat? Is this some sort of code for you wanting to get to third base?"  
  
"-You wish, big guy. No, this is me giving you a blunt object so you can go out there and bean the sucker! Snyder's hands are befouling my intimate undergarments.  I will now forevermore associate speedo bulges with Our Principal. He has to die."  
  
"I dunno, Xander.."  
  
"-C'mon man, you like to go clubbing, right? Get clubbing! If you Wield It, He Will Stun!"  
  
Movement from outside grabbed Larry's attention away from Xander's impressive psychotic episode. "Dude, he's leaving. He's got something in his hand."  
  
Xander paled and ran a hand through his hair. "Tell me its not that bag of weed Oz asked me to keep for him. Or...one of my sports cups! God, I can't decide which is worse!" He rubbed at his forehead. "Hey, is it possible to have both a stroke _and_ an aneurysm?!"  
  
Larry turned. "It's okay- he's walking off and he's carrying, I dunno, looks like a sharp piece of wood."  
  
Xander slapped himself on the forehead. "-Not Mr Pointy! Awww crap, Buff's gonna clean my clock. And when she's done doing that, she's gonna kick my ass. Mr Pointy's her favourite!"  
  
Larry shakes his head. "I don't wanna know, guy. Bad enough she brings her sex toys to school."  
  
Xander nods. "-Yeah, well Angel would probably still hang around here anyway...Oh wait, you mean Mr Pointy? It's not a dildo, Larry, it's Buffy's weapon."  
  
"I don't need to know what Susan Faludi calls it, and I'm all for the empowering of women, dude. I just didn't need that picture of Buffy in my head."  
  
"-What pictu- Oh crap, there it is." Xander tried to think of something that would stop the image of Buffy being special friends with Mr Pointy from dancing  
  
(well, more like pistoning, really)  
  
through his forebrain.  
  
"-Hey Larry, could you do me a favour? A _vertical_  one, I mean." he added, at the look on the jock's face. "Go and check my gym-bag, see if any of my...personal items... have Snyder's unique musk on them."  
  
Larry shook his head. "Nah-uh."  
  
"-What do you mean, 'Nah-uh?' You're trying to get into my good books, right? Well this'll be just the ticket!" He paused. "-Okay, I have _got_ to stop hanging around Giles so much..."  
  
Larry is still doing the head-shaking thing. "Dude, I may think you're The Hot, but I'm not pawing through sweaty speedos, even for you."  
  
Xander scoffed. "-So much for your commitment to this whole Stalking thi... Wait; You think I'm hot? In what Universe?"  
  
"You're hands down the Hottest guy in Sunnydale High, dude."  
  
Xander flushes such a deep rose that if Buffy were near, she would have mistaken him for a demon.   
  
A big pink one.  
  
"-Larr', that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me, even when they were trying to flatter me up so they could eat me, or drink me, or lay eggs in my brain. Umm... You're not, right?"  
  
"Do hickeys count as cannibalism?"  
  
"-No."  
  
"Then no."  
  
Xander practically beamed. "-Keen. Okay, Larry my jocky friend, you have officially earned a date with the Nighthawk!"  
  
"With the Who-Now?"  
  
"-Um, with me, Larr'."  
  
Larry's brow retreats from its furrowed Angel impression and settles in to Happy Mode. "Awesome, Xan!"  
  
The older boy moved to hug Xander. The embrace remained platonic for all of ten seconds before Xander's hands closed around a double fistful of formerly-closeted jock ass, and Larry was nuzzling his collarbone like Spike on a bender.  
  
Xander managed to produce a more or less coherent sentence between moans.  
  
"-Larr'? Uh...whoah!...Are you _sure_ you're not a werewolf?"  
  
"Pretty sure."  
  
"-Then you won't go wild if I show you my...full moon?"  
  
A predatory grin spread over Larry's face. "I promise nothing, Harris."  
  
An hour or so later, Cordelia Love-Chase snuck carefully over to her locker. She was _so_ destined to be an actress- Mr Bergstrom had bought her story about her unfortunate allergy to T-Squares before she'd even had to smear whipped cream over her chin and start hyperventillating. True, the Hall-Monitor had been harder to convince, but he'd eventually folded- quite literally, when Cordy had simply bludgeoned him into unconsciousness _with_ her T-Square.  
  
She was going through her 8 x 10 headshots looking for the appropriate one to take to her audition when she heard a mysterious thumping coming from a few lockers down- the banging, crashing and, now that she thought about it, low, guttural moans were coming either from Kyle DuFours or Xander Harris' lockers. Both of them had been involve in that Hyena business, she recalled. She wondered briefly if Xander was going all doggy on his friends again.  
  
She straightened up, swept her immaculate hair back over one shoulder, and began to walk briskly towards the exit. Even if it was just a routine ghost in Xander's locker, she'd leave this one to Buffy.  
  
There were only so many poltergeists a girl could take.  
  
\-----------------------------END------------------------

**Author's Note:**

> As always, this fic goes out to Colton Haynes. He knows why. And I think I should probably give shout outs to Nicholas Brendon for bringing Xander Harris to life as well. Xander *was* the show for me...


End file.
